Entry M-401 · 4 minute read

Loving-Kindness Practice, for the Sceptical

A practice that asks you to generate goodwill rather than observe. Why it divides people, and why the wincing is often the relevant information.

By Nadia Farrell Published 10 August 2026

Loving-kindness practice asks for something different from every other practice on this site. Instead of observing what is present, you deliberately generate a stance.

That difference is why it divides people so sharply.

The practice

Sit comfortably. Bring to mind someone you feel uncomplicated warmth toward. Silently repeat a small set of phrases directed at them: may you be well, may you be at ease, may you be free from suffering.

Then move through a sequence: someone close, someone neutral, someone you find difficult, and yourself. The phrases stay the same.

Why it makes people wince

Because it feels performative, particularly directed inward. Sitting alone wishing yourself well is not a natural act for most adults, and the immediate response is often embarrassment or a flat sense of falseness.

That response is worth noticing rather than pushing past. The difficulty of extending ordinary goodwill toward yourself is not a flaw in the exercise.

The order matters

Standard guidance starts with the easy person deliberately. You are trying to establish a felt sense of warmth and then move it, rather than manufacture it from nothing toward the hardest target.

If self-directed practice is the difficult part, and it usually is, arrive at it last and borrow the feeling you built earlier.

What it seems to be for

The literature focuses on self-criticism, positive affect and feelings toward others rather than on attention. It is a smaller and younger evidence base than the mindfulness one, with the same caveats.

Anecdotally, it is the practice most often named by people whose difficulty is harshness toward themselves rather than distraction.

Whether to try it

If the description made you uncomfortable, that is a reasonable argument for trying it. If it simply seems irrelevant, focused attention or the body scan will serve you better, and there is no obligation here.

Common questions

What if the phrases feel false?

Very common, especially directed at yourself. The practice is not asking you to believe the phrase; it is asking you to make the gesture. The falseness usually softens over a couple of weeks, and if it does not, that is information rather than failure.

Who do I start with?

Not yourself, if self-directed goodwill is the hard part. Most teachers suggest starting with someone easy to feel warmly toward, then borrowing that feeling and turning it toward yourself once it is established.

How long should a session be?

Ten to fifteen minutes. It is more effortful than observing practice because you are actively generating something, and longer sessions tend to become mechanical.

Is there evidence for it?

There is a modest literature, mostly on social emotion, self-criticism and positive affect rather than on attention. It is smaller and younger than the mindfulness literature and carries the same methodological caveats.